Want to know how to win friends and influence people? This recipe right here. It is friend making, man (or woman) keeping, popularity on a plate.
I originally found the bare bones of this recipe in some weird sample booklet that came to my house in the mail. It was junk mail, but I skimmed it before tossing it, and was glad I did. I added quite a few of my own touches to the recipe though and over the years have made it entirely my own. The first time I made it was about eight years ago when living with my (now ex) boyfriend. I made it for him for breakfast before he went off to work, and he took it along with him to eat on the way. Let it be said that his place of employment was literally right next door to our apartment (he couldn't get away with calling in sick, since the boss could see right into our kitchen/bedroom window), and therefore he arrived at work with his breakfast still half eaten. Everybody wanted one of their own. At lunch time, I made about six of them, and brought them over to hand out to the other employees. It was all over from there. My recipe was the hit of the car wash, and although our relationship ended on a rather sour note, apparently was the one thing that he remembered fondly. A year or so after our breakup, his new girlfriend emailed me, saying that he talked about this thing I used to make, called "The Egg Thing", all the time, and could I please tell her how to make it?
I gladly gave her the recipe.
I have made The Egg Thing for every man I have dated since then. Its become like a magic spell of sorts, once I cast Egg Thing, they are mine forever. This works with friends, too. Nobody can resist the amazing pull of the Egg Thing.
Thus, I give you:
The Egg Thing
But bear in mind. With great power comes great responsibility.
Here is what you need:
Some large flour tortillas (I used spinach pesto fancy schmancy hippie flavored, but regular works just fine.)
A big ol' bag of frozen, shredded hash browns
Some butter
A bag of shredded cheddar cheese
Barbecue sauce; and
Eggs
You start by melting some butter in a big pan.
Then you throw in some hash browns. I use about half a regular sized bag to make two Egg Things, but I never really measured it out. Just pour them in and hope for the best.
And add even more butter. Because you didn't need those arteries anyway!
Hash browns take eternity to cook. Go read a chapter of your favorite book. Get the laundry done. Pet the cat. Walk the dog. Go on vacation. Eventually, they'll be all golden brown and hopefully mostly not stuck to the pan. You might want to stir them occasionally, if you aren't actually on vacation.
Then you throw in two of the best things ever in the history of food. Barbecue sauce, and cheddar cheese.
And mix it together until it looks like this.
The owl approves!
Then you spread it in the middle of the tortillas. Don't skimp. Be generous. Show the love. Pretend that this starchy, cheesy, barbecue flavored goodness represents your undying commitment to your new friendship or romance. Plus, you don't wanna have leftover filling, because its really not all that exciting on its own.
Now, as delicious as that looks, and probably is, it will not help you win friends and influence people. It will not cause an entire car wash to come to your door demanding breakfast. It will not get you that engagement ring. Because the magic is in the egg.
Oh yes. The magic begins.
If you're like me, you have a horrible time flipping an egg without breaking it. Well, TOO BAD. You cannot under any circumstances break this egg when you flip it. If you do, throw it away, give it to the dog, toss it at the ceiling, but get rid of it and try again.
SUCCESS!
Only cook it on the other side long enough to not get salmonella. You want that yolk runny. This one runny yolk is going to serve your needs for years to come.
Put it immediately in the middle of the hash brown mixture.
Then stab it with a fork until it bleeds magical egg juices all over the place.
And then roll it up like a body in an area rug on its way to be dumped in the river.
Okay, I really hope you roll bodies better than I roll tortillas. And also, a toothpick won't hold a rug closed. But it will hold the Egg Thing together!
The next step is very simple. Feed it to your loved ones.
They will be yours forever.
Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible for the Egg Thing attracting unwanted and unrelenting affection. If it leads to your inevitable stalking and murder, I assume no responsibility whatsoever, and I just hope that he or she does a better job rolling your body up in the carpet than I did rolling that tortilla.
Enjoy!
No comments:
Post a Comment